Wellness Wednesday: You are here, now...

You are here, now...

Colored pencil on paper

M. Rattigan, c. 2014

I have had two meditative, mindful, creative times with my colleagues Girija and Elizabeth since I have returned to work post concussion.  I have not recorded the image previous this one, but the process that first time back was supportive.  I was aware of feeling discomfort and frustration as the headaches had been (and still are) increasing.  I was hoping the time would allow me to decompress and be still.  The image created was a white "hot" circle surrounded by red and orange created with watercolor on canvas paper.

The image included with this writing reflects the second time we had a chance to meet, occurring just last Wednesday, November 5th.  We met in a different room on a different floor with windows letting natural light in.  We sat at a conference table and with some soft, meditative music in the background and simply seemed to fall into stating what we needed.  I shared my intention, which was to be present and aware and accepting of whatever I was feeling that day without judgment.

I played with the colored pencils, secretly wishing to switch to watercolor, but instead decided to stay with the pencils and be aware of what would happen if I stuck with what I had rather then trying to find something "better".  Light scribbles became a frame, a red "x" with directional arrows, and shadows on the left became three figures.  I decided to change the orientation of the page so that the three figures would be on the bottom of the paper.  I continued to add detail to the figures and the environment.  I heard in my mind, "You are here, you are now, you have what you need".  I wrote this around the frame.  While writing I was aware that I began taking deep breaths, so I added, "Breathe in. Breathe out. Repeat."

It was not until we reviewed our art together that I realized that the three figures could very well represent the three of us: Three "wise" women gathered under a directional star.

Looking again I feel the figures hold a humble nature.  The environment and sky is vast, a bit ominous (overwhelming-- like life and work, at times), and yet-- as my dear friend Nancy pointed out later in conversation -- nautilus-like.  I was struck by these insights, observations and discoveries as I am truly what Buddhist's would label "beginner's mind".  I am so eager to know, to learn... maybe TOO eager to know, learn; as the process has to unfold at its OWN pace, not mine...

So without trying to "force" meaning and understanding, I am open to letting this unfold.  I desire to be open and eager, yet humble and patient.  It is Nancy who discovered the nautilus, and upon light research and minimal knowledge of its metaphor, I stumbled upon a poem by Oliver Wendell Holmes.  It is called "The Chambered Nautilus".  In it, he refers to the growth of the shell as similar to our striving in spiritual growth only to find ourselves in a bigger space that we then grow out of.  It is also reminds me a bit of Maslow's hierarchy of needs and one's ongoing, unending strive for self-actualization.

This resonated with me.  In our discussions that day I had shared that I felt I was not living up to my full potential.  I have a feeling that there is something more I 'should' be doing.  Something spiritual and creative is calling.  I am having a hard time hearing it, or I think I hear it and when I get there, when I reach a goal... I realize that's not "it".  Is it that I am living too far in the future and not seeing the now?  Am I not giving full awareness to what I heard while creating? What is it that I am searching for, and perhaps I need to stop looking and let it find me?

Some people believe in signs.  I am a half-time believer in signs.  The day after our powerful gathering I was driving home on a long stretch of road behind one car.  As I got closer, I saw that the license plate read: "B STILL". Yup, I'll take that one.

Thanks for listening.