Meditation Monday no. 4: To the Left

3x3 in. watercolor, "To The Left", M. Rattigan copyright 2014

"When, because of external or internal circumstances, there comes a change, we need to be able to go along with that change.  Then we can become more comfortable, relaxed and spacious" --Karmapa, 2014.

I appreciate Karmapa's explanation, especially that 'spacious' is included: often when change is abundant and I begin to feel crowded by it I just need room to breathe.

Today was a difficult task in meditation.  After a recent car accident several days ago, I am having pain and difficulty concentrating.  Being outside again accompanied by my lovely dog Lily, she and I were trying to enjoy the warm sun and sounds of nature.  She, more than I, actively engaging in nature: I was disrupted by her catching a rabbit and with my heart racing most likely faster than the poor bunny's, I charged my dog with anger and disappointment.  She dropped the rabbit who scurried away, and I needed much time to try and calm down.  Now with Lily in the house and me, again, trying to relax outside, I lost focus.  My adrenalin was pumping, my heart still racing, and Lily pawed the door begging to return outside.  I gave up.

Later in the day, despite my nagging pain traveling through my head, down my neck and into my left arm, I sat in a lounge chair on the deck and closed my eyes.  Much better.  Lily was with me again and I chose to let go of that which I cannot control.  I did not want to bury another deceased rabbit, but I cannot scold her for her hound dog nature.  I needed to let go.  I needed to accept the pain.  I just needed to be.  In this second attempt, I gave myself the room to do that.

Interestingly, as thoughts and people and visions projected into my eyelids, much kept happening on the left.  It was as if a diagonal split screen was set up and the motion stayed on one side.  There was swirling and blooming, and my heart pumped harder than usual, making me feel a slight sway in my chest and torso.

My painting response, "To the Left" is a response the the left-sided visions as well as the blood vessels I felt pumping.   It is a reminder that I am alive.

Thanks for listening.

Meditation Monday no. 3: X

"X" by M. D. Rattigan, copyright 2014

It was difficult to settle into meditation.  I had just come back minutes prior from a 3 mile run.  I had given myself time to cool down; however, laying outside in the sun while still heated made me feel distracted.  I persevered, hoping that I could let myself go.  I had a turning and some pain in my stomach. I placed my hands there and focused on just breathing through it.

The letting go never happened.  I remained aware of my discomforts and found that my mind was all over the place.  "That's OK", I told myself, "Just go with it. It's all useful material." Pema Chodron (Steinberg, 2008) wrote that her teacher Trungpa Rinpoche once said,"Whatever occurs in the confused mind is regarded as the path. Everything is workable. It is a fearless proclamation, the lion's roar" (p. 150).  I will embrace this today.

In all of the discomforts and wandering of the mind, one image did come through.  It was an "X".  The top middle section was filled in with what appeared to be a flame.  I painted this today.  At first, I imagined the X to be the spot of pain in my midsection and I added brown around the X in the painting to signify my attempts to both hold and soothe the pain as I tried to meditate.

This seemed like such a simple, basic shape.  I was curious and began word-searching the internet.  I happened upon a blog, www.girvin.com/blog/?p=6125, that referenced interesting aspects and meanings of "X".  Here is a listing of what I found:

• A symbol of female (X Chromosome)
• Representational for the word Christ, Christian; a Christogram
• Symmetry
• A crossing point
• What lies beyond; the unknown
• To cross out, mark
• To indicate choice
• Experimental
• Extra, extraordinary
• An unknown quantity or variable
• Power of magnification
• Crossed with
• The crossroads: decision making, spiritual confusion, 4 points of the cardinal direction (all points can reach back to the center, the locus)

What about the flame?  I am intrigued if there is any pre-existing symbol of the two in combination.  I currently have not found any referenced.

I can see how the many definitions of "X" can parallel my current searches into the unknown parts of myself, my expanding understandings of spirituality, and my desire for peace and balance.  The flame could be so many things: creative fire, energy, burning thoughts, cleansing... However, as of now, I am not going to force a meaning on my experience. I will, instead, hold the image and experience in my heart and mind as I go about my day and week and allow its meaning to unfold on its own.

Thanks for listening.

Steinberg, E. (Ed). (2008).  The pocket Pema Chodron. Boston, Massachusetts: Shambala.

Meditation Monday no. 2: Ready Now

[I'm] Ready Now.

"If you want to catch a little fish, you can stay in the shallow water. But if you want to catch the big fish, you've got to go deeper." (Lynch, 2007).

The above is a quote I read today and I liked it... It matches my beliefs as a painter, and I desire to connect deeper by adding more mindful moments and opportunities for meditation.

I laid on my back in the grass today.  I was having lower back pain and feeling fidgety as I attempted to sit upright at the start of my meditation. The sun felt so warm and saw good on my face even though the rays felt prickly.  Today was another beautiful sunny day.  Many thoughts and ideas passed through my mind like an active stream. Tangential on the surface, yet somehow they had a web of connection whether to association, through morphing image, or through color.  I also saw a lot of written words today.  I saw ANGER in big block letters and a small, mighty figure pushing it out of view.  I saw “Care” and “Don’t care” and imagined that my ‘uptight self’ was letting go of things that mean nothing in the larger scheme of life while my ‘whatever’ self was finding things that were worth caring for and holding onto.

After some time, and to my surprise, I imagined a person with a helmet and tinted face mask (much like fighter pilots wear) peer from behind and over me.  The helmet was white, the face shield tinted black, and black and white words were painted on the front.  What did it say?  I kept looking and asking.  Finally I saw, “You should already know.”  However, was that really what it said originally, or was that an internal response to my question of asking “what”?  I do not know for sure, but I took that with me as my meditation session ended.

My painting today began with those words at the top of my little square.  In green, I painted “You should already know”.  I played with some washes below as I thought about the saying, and realized “already know” stood out to me from the painted saying.  I decided to use earthy and grounding brown to highlight “already know”.  Thinking about it now, those color choices intrigue me.  The green I associate with the grass I laid upon, and the brown, the rich soil and base for the grass to grow.  Perhaps on the surface I am now sure I know, but my deeper self does truly know whatever it is I seek or need knowing.

As I finished up the brown words, I then observed another narrowing of the original words: I saw “Ready now”.  These I chose to paint in yellow as a highlight over the brown.  Is it reflective of my intention to be ready?  To accept whatever comes my way?  And why the yellow?  I love yellow.  It is a color I am drawn to… that I love to paint with.  Is the yellow here significant of personal choice or deeper meaning?  It is light—not as concentrated as the brown… easier to become overpowered by the earthy browns and greens.   There is so much to assume here, so I will accept it as a balance of personal choice along with a personal meaning: holding onto the things that I enjoy, that I like, and letting light and lightness be an aspect of those parts of my life.  Perhaps there are bigger fish for me to be fishing for, but I know I have no intentions of staying in the shallow end.

Thanks for listening.

Lynch, D. (2007) Catching the big fish: Meditation, 
          consciousness, and creativity.  New York: Jeremy P. 
          Tarcher/Penguin Group, Inc.