"Turn off my brain"
Watercolor and tissue paper, 4"x 4"
M. Rattigan c. 2015
It has been a while. Formal practices appear to occur sporadically, but I notice my informal mindfulness practice is happening everyday. While a refreshing observation, it is imperative that I return to formal practice. I have yet to complete my 8-week MBSR course which includes following specific formal practice sessions. I find it much easier to engage formally with sitting meditation followed by art making.
Today's practice of sitting and art engagement was particularly troublesome, but I am attempting to reframe it as "it just is". My breathing was labored and my thoughts were highly intrusive as I sat and made the intention to simply focus on the out-breath. As I have read and heard from my mindfulness friends, disengaging from consistent formal practices is like expecting to run long distance when you and your running sneakers haven't hit the road for a month. My mind was caught in distractions: "Breathe, my shoes are constructing my feet -- kick them off, breathe, my ankle itches, breathe, remember to call so and so, etc..." Once settled, pulsing colors of white and dark pink circled and folded into themselves. Outlines of a person in a top hat appeared and faded. As I attempted to bring myself back to breath, the unending chain of thoughts and a to-do list intruded again. As my sitting meditation came to a close, I was aware that I was a bit frustrated and desired the ability to just turn off my brain.
Moving to the art table I selected two smaller papers and joined them to make a 4" x 4" square. I painted the words "turn off my brain" and proceeded to layer tissue paper and then paint along spontaneous creases and lines and edges. I revisited the image later in the day and painted some more layers, again following the creases and marks. I imagined following a faded map. I was unsure of what the map was for or where it would take me, but I trusted that its message and meaning would illuminate itself when I was ready to receive it.
There are several aspects of the resulting image that intrigue me. One is that the edges from the tissue paper are torn and not uniform. Another is the insect-like forms that seemed to appear in the free form strokes. One appears like a blue dragonfly in flight. These aspects are beautiful reminders that nothing is perfect (ragged edges). Crawling, clinging, and fleeing (insect movements) are sometimes what we resort to when navigating unfamiliar, stressful, or challenging territory.
