I have been absent. I have been a bit lost. I have been trying to find a base outside of myself. Titles, positions, credentials... All the while I find solace when I run and when I paint. Sometimes I find it in church: the times when church isn't so "preachy". When it is real, inclusive, and deep. These times are not everyday, however, as I get sucked into every individual's life of overbooking and multitasking, which then leads to being behind, becoming disorganized, missing church and finding no time to run or make art... and I become absolutely overwhelmed and stressed.
I look to outside structure to'fix' the problem. I need to organize myself, make lists, go back to school,learn more, appear smart, say yes to everything, impress someone... have not I learned by now this does not work? Multitasking is a myth and I am not superwoman (which is good because she is not even REAL).
During the 2014 Winter quarter of teaching, my class was asked to select salient topics to prepare them for their transition into their professional careers. I had made the suggestion of self-care. It is a topic I preach from the very beginning of their graduate education, as the work we do is challenging and life-changing. We cannot forget to be present and we cannot get lost in the process. So much easier to say than do, but it is really? Perhaps a more correct (and honest) statement would be: It is very easy to get lost if you close yourself off, so allow yourself to remain open to possibility and you will be free.
My understandings and ideas of self-care stemmed from practicing proper exercise and nutrition, remaining actively engaged in art making, volunteering, remaining connected to my community, taking breaks, using supervision, monitoring myself and being preventive (not reactive) to burn-out. I anticipated learning more from my student's mini research on the topic and looked forward to those two remaining classes of the quarter.
Simultaneously, I had been balancing my new role as faculty while maintaining my full clinical practice AND being good-enough-mom for my three amazing (and busy)children ages 14 and under. I was feeling the pressures of time (i.e., there not being enough of it) along with sensations of guilt, frustration, anger, physical pain, poor sleep, and sadness. My house is dirty, the laundry is piled up, and I feel pulled in more directions than ever. My lists of things to do are immense and I do not know where to start. My responsibilities have quadruple-folded and I cannot imagine how I can give 100% to all of these things all of the time.
Years ago I read somewhere that you cannot give and give without replenishing your own reservoir. At some point, you have nothing left to give, and there is nothing left for yourself. That is where I am coming from now, and here is where seeds of new opportunity, rebirth, and growth have been spotted...
Flashback June 2013. My dear friend Peg, kick-ass cancer survivor, mother, Yogi, and Reiki practitioner invited me to have a Reiki session with her. I was new to Reiki, unaware of the potential energy shifts and experiences. I felt something was happening that was going to change and be different in my life. I didn't know what. At the time I had not been given the opportunity I had desired for work, and was attempting to come to terms with letting it go and remaining open to what the universe had in mind. I made a journal entry and made art after this session (I will spare you all of those details here).
Not too long after the POWERFUL session, I was offered an opportunity I did not expect: an alteration of the job opportunity I originally desired. I said yes and have been navigating the new learning and unique challenges. There are good days and there are not-so-good days. I need to reframe them and simply respect and appreciate them as "days".
In the fall of 2013, I attended a conference by Abbe Miller regarding her innovative one-canvas process painting and the essence of El-duende. This canvas remains in constant flux, as each week I spend time with the mixed media painting: looking, listening, and transforming. I am learning much about myself through this process, and it is a reminder of the power of art.
In the Winter, a small group of 4 second year students led a presentation on Self-Compassion. The class was moved by the discussion and expressive journaling. I, too, found myself particularly interested in the article presented and felt very drawn to this topic. I experienced a powerful, unspoken connection and witnessed the class' senses awakened. How can I teach self-compassion? How can I bring this into the curriculum in a mainstream --not circumvented-- manner?
In April of 2014 I was invited to speak at the Mid-Atlantic Play Therapy Institute in Arlington, VA. Paralleling this was the Mindfulness and Compassion in the Expressive Arts conference, for which I was able to attend two experiential workshops. One on self-supervision, mindfulness, and visual art; the other on Buddhist self-compassion, neuroscience, and meditation. I am in awe of the intense experiences,images, and ideas that have rushed forth and presented themselves to me during these two workshops. I again journaled and created art, and I will again spare you the intricate details-- however,I cannot believe the impact these experiences are continuing to have on me weeks later.
So here we have come full circle. It all connects, builds, and continues to become known to me. Present but not conscious until that first Reiki session, I am finding that reconnecting with my lost self is the "structure" I seek. Reading about mindfulness, practicing mindfulness, learning and practicing meditation are newer intentions in my life, and I feel compelled to research and document my learning to be able to find a way to bring this into the graduate program where I am teaching.
Today I practiced meditation. I made the intention to just listen. I allowed myself to hear the outside, to hear my children, to notice the soft music in the background; and I also opened myself to any noises inside. To my surprise I heard, "When you feel, you know". Yes, I was moved by this greatly. I am a feeler. I feel others and I feel my own emotions in a very intense manner. I need to listen and learn from the feeling and decipher what is mine and what is not mine. As I sat with this in meditation I was reminded of this blog which has sat so empty for so long. This is my place to start to explore all that I have written today, and feel this is my purpose... not just to connect back with me, but to be more present with my children and my partner; to enhance my clinical skills; to become a better teacher and supervisor; and finally to bring something very much needed in the education of my graduate art therapy students.
Thanks for listening.
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